"I remember Car 54, where are you? Remember how the guy used his shoe for a phone? I liked the old sitcoms - they were so much better than the ones nowadays - Have you ever watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with Larry David?"

I love old tv shows. They take me back in time. Alot of these aren't shown on tv anymore. Thank God for YouTube. I then download it onto my computer. I have to confess that I never watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" nor that I ever heard of it. Maybe I'll do some investigating on YouTube and see if I can find some old videos of it.

Take care, Jan

Hi Jan,

"You know one of the things I love about you, Ray? You always know how to have a good time - you always do all the fun things you should be doing and you still have a good time, even though you are by yourself. "

It was so hard to motivate myself to go this year. I'm glad I went although in all of the years I went this year I did the most and spent the most hours there. I felt mom spirit with me as I remembered her throughout the fair. I get so lonely without her.

Take care.

Hi Jan,

"I'm so sorry you are having to go through this misery about your mom - she looks like a really nice lady - I've been thru it, too, and believe it or not, with time passing, you will feel better -"

Thank you. She was a very nice lady and I miss her more and more everyday. I hope it does get easier with time. She's kind of like my only relative left living. Well, almost. I do have a 85 year old aunt who I never see. I have 3 cousins who don't speak to me. It's just me and the kitties and not one day goes by that I don't count my blessings that I have them in my life.

Take care, Jan

Hi Jan,

I can use all of the prayers I can get. I hope everything eventually falls into place. I still don't know if I'll be staying here or not because of the high rent. There is a ton of stuff of mom that has to be gone through and thrown out. So one day I hope I find peace.

Take care.

"hey, can't you find someone to live with you guys that can help care for mom?"

Hey, don't think we haven't thought about that. She needs around the clock care and we tried but there's nobody to hire. She needs to have a IV plugged into her at all times. They would have to bring equipment with them. She needs lots of care. She's very frail.

It's all very sad.

"I think my favorite soap opera used to be Peyton Place - remember that one?"

Jan,

I certainly do. In fact, I have been thinking maybe it's on tv now so I checked all of the cable listings and came up with nothing. I even checked the internet and came up with nothing. But I liked that show alot.

It sounds like you were more of a nighttime soap person. I'm more of a daytime soap kind of person. The only one I like at the moment is One Life to Live.

Take care.

  You were very right to say you were surprised that we are struggling in our decision on how to handle this situation with the new baby. Our son is struggling the most, and told us how angry he will be if we 'mix' that baby with his.....he is not a believer, and makes his decisions based on what he wants and not on what God would want.
  We're trying to help him see the error in his thinking, but it is not easy. He's still feeling the pain and anger from the affair and divorce, and is blinded to see anything else. It's really a challenge, but we're working on it. But your tender rebuke touched my heart in a good way, and reinforced your thoughts very well. I think I'm looking for others to support us in the decision to treat this new baby as if he was truly our grandson and nothing less. Your wise words helped to do that; thank you my friend. Thank you for being honest.
  I hope you're having a great week so far, and that it continues right into the Memorial weekend. Take care, and I'll see you later.

Your grateful friend, Michael.

  Congratulations Granny!

That's a really beautiful name she chose for her precious gift, really pretty. Prayers sent for Mommie to heal quickly.......I know seeing that little one goes a long way towards making that happen. Denise had 3 of those c-sections and bounced back every time.

See you later Jan, and it was nice to hear this wonderful news! Michael

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR DAD, BUT I HATE HIM TOO - ANYONE THAT WOULD HURT A LITTLE ANIMAL AND A LITTLE BOY AND A WOMAN DESERVES THE SAME TREATMENT 10 TIMES OVER . . . ."

That's true. He was a coward to pick on someone weaker than himself. He never picked on a man to hit. Only mother, myself and the dog. But he's underground and he can't hurt anyone ever again.

"but at least for now, she is still here, so keep a stiff upper lip, okay?"

Yeah, she's leaving from a hospital to a nursing home this evening so that's good. She'll get adequate care that I'm unable to give her. I treasure my mother with all of my heart. But I worry about her. Years and years of heavy smoking took a toll on her heart.

Take care.

Hey, Jan !

Do you want me to question u also.

Every Diarist has a life to live .

I know you do to .

People don't stay on the computer unless they are addicts, If u know what I mean by that !

Congrats on  ur son's girl.

I was a Preemie, A Miracle from God !

I also updated my Profile.

Added 3 new entries.

-PURESHEILD

"I really needed this pick-me-upper, Ray - this isn't a good nite for me, so thank you so much for your good and happy news."

Jan, I'm glad that I lifted your spirits somewhat. The breakfast was awesome. The very best part was getting out of the old folks home and being with guys my own age. The second picture going down that guy was a real hottie back then and 33 years later he's still a hottie.

Take care. Talk to you later.

"By the way - I didn't know you had two sons - I don't think you have mentioned them before "

I don't have two sons. I have "Andy" and "Ben". They're my two male cats who happen to be biological brothers. They're my pride and joy. I kind of refer to them as my children.  I love them dearly.

Hi Jan,

"My two sons are always and I mean ALWAYS playing a game on the computer called "World of War Crafts" - they are obssessed with it and so are the other people they play with online. Ben said his came on his laptop, but you can also buy it at the store and then you have to pay $15.00 a month to play."

To tell you the truth I'm not really much of a game person. Since I got my first computer (I'm on my second one now) and since I first got hooked up to the internet 10 years ago I have not played even one online game. I like to do web designing stuff and to do graphics. Besides, I'm on social security and for me $15 a month is alot.

Take care.

"Here's the way to deal with your inadequately heated apartment - do what I did and get yourself an oil heater - they cost about 30 bucks, they are very safe, they are cheap to run and we use ours every year in our house."

Hi Jan,

That's a good idea and thanks for the suggestion. But I don't know if it would work - only because we live in an old folks home. Well, officially it's an apartment complex with seniors but I call it a old folks home. Anyway, they have really strict rules around here and laiden(sp?) with nonsense rules. I don't think they would agree to a oil heater and they have these unannounced inspections from time to time. But don't worry. I have plenty of covers and I just throw them over me and sleep like a baby.

Take care.

Hi Jan,

It's good to hear from you again!

"Anyway, the boredom of winter will soon come to an end - the grey skies, the rain, the cold, the snow, etc. and spring will bring sunshine and better times, so hang in there."

I sure hope so. But maybe the spring and summer won't be any better for me. I'm bored with everything. To top it off it's bitterly cold here in Minnesota and our apartment isn't adequately heated. So i don't know what to say because my life sucks right now. At least I have my computer and that keeps me busy most of the day.

Take care.

amazing childhood memories

How is your daughter?

take care

c.

Oh, I forgot to add something for you.

"Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it.  Action has a magic, grace, and powe in it.  ~Goethe

Hey have you read Duino Eligies yet?

The First (actually written somwhere in the middle)

Wer, wenn ich schriee, horte mich denn aus der Engel Ordnungen,

Let me know when you translate it.  It's my favorite quote.

Later, Jan

Those are some great memories.  I used to hate going to the opera, ballet, and the symphony.  But now that I'm older I do appreciate all the stuff I learned.  I loved camping with my father and working on cars and the house and even when I was forced to help with the house.  My dad could afford to have all that paid for etc... and I would never have had to lift a finger, but, we liked to do that stuff together; in a way it taught me the value of hard work and simple pleasures.  I enjoyed getting under a car and changing the oil, or washing the car.  Your experiences are great and nostalgic and wholesome; they make you think back to a time when things seemed so simpler.  My father worked 70+ hours a week to give us what we wanted and now that I am older I know how much that took out of him.  Oh, the moth thing...I think If I was here in the sixties when you used to do that I would have thought I was trippin hard core. 

So, on other fronts how is everything going?  The daughter...pregnant right?  I wish you all the luck in the world with that.

The woman thing.  See I do want someone that I am attracted to.  I think everyone does.  Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I firmly believe that.  My grandfather told me (and I see how it's true)  that once you see that person that is attractive to you, you never see them less (I know there are exceptions to every rule) and as time went on, when they got older the physical beauty didn't matter as much and they (to use his words) "just were dandy."  He never saw her as anything less it just got deeper, but, he still remembers meeting her at the USO in San Diego.  Hey, who knows.

Later Jan!

There's nothing quite like a good old rant, from time to time.  I enjoyed reading this one, because I often feel as you do.  Sometimes I feel like saying, "Just SHUUUUT UPPPPPP!"  I love to sit and just be quiet at times, without a constant barrage of mindless chatter.  Sometimes, I just tune out. 

My best friend, Timmy (she's a woman, and Timmy is her nickname) likes a natter, but she is different, because we are kindred spirits and we tell each other everything.  We were lovers, until God convicted us both so much that we ended that side of things.  I am married too, to a wonderful man, and that made it even more of a no no.  Timmy and I still love each other, but that's as far as that side of things goes.  We are in God's will now, and that's how it will stay, because we love God more than we love each other.

God bless,

Minty.

[Trials n Temptations]

Hi there.  I see you are relatively new to MDD.  I saw your warm, sweet comment in Ray's diary, and I thought I would pop around and add you to my favourites.  Sometimes, God will put it on my heart to do that.  My diary is semi-private, but if you are interested in visiting it at any time, you will now be able to do so, because I have added you.

I really enjoyed your "Santa on television" story.  That was just so adorable.  And isn't Ray a sweetie?  He is such a gentle soul.  I love him dearly.

God bless,

Minty. (TnT)

nice holidays

take care

c.

"you make them so fun and interesting to watch - the best I've ever seen, anyway"

Thanks! I try to make them interesting. I love doing graphics and being creative. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas.

Talk to you later.

sorry about your friend and  she is still there with you

take care

hugs

this is an awesome story

a great lesson of sharing

You and I share similar backgrounds, I come from an upper class family from south america.

Whenever I can help anyone I do, it breaks my hear to  hear from children not having food or homes and I give thanks to God  for having what I have.

Thank you for your kind words on my entry.  They helped alot.

have a wonderful sunday

btw  will your daughter have a boy or a girl?

hugs

"Well, Ray, your survey was the bomb - everyone liked doing it and it was fun to read everyone's entries - you think of good ideas - we are all looking forward to whatever it is that you think up next - Your entries are FUN!  :)"

Thanks! Thinking up questions to ask that weren't too personal was fun. Sometime I want to do another survey but I've kind of run out of questions to think up. I received 18 responses so that's pretty good.

Thank you! I try to be semi creative when writing an entry.

Take care.

Thanks sugar lips.

I know exactly how you feel.

On Father's Day I met my Dad at a Resturant.

My Dad denied I was his son and left me at the Hospital when I was born.

He did not even want a child to begin with.

He could not accept me.

I was Premature Miracle Baby of 1986.

He used to visit me only on my birthday and then stop any communication with me.

I was on a Ventilater and Incubator and Aerisol to keep me alive my first two years of life.

My Lungs were not developed so I had to be in Intensive care at the Hospital which does not exist anymore because I was demolished.

I also Wear Hearing Aids on a Daily Basis to hear almost normal.

It turns out he brought in GirlFriend with him at the table.

I thought she was an evil witch being with my Dad.

My Dad works in the secret Service and has alot of free time.

It turns out he lived close by the whole time and never bothered to stop by.

He got in my face about how he and his girl go outdoors together often.

Oh We ride a bike together, Oh we go camping and We take trips together.

I said good for you, Atleast you are doing something you like.

I have not heard from my Dad since, Not even a Call back.

I do want to be with my Dad 52, even though he seems to be a perfect goody goody. living the life.

He could have invited me outdoors once.

My Dad is a jerk always has been says my Mom.

I hope he changes but you can't change People.

-PURESHEILD

[PURESHEILD]

Hi Jan,

"I always read your entries first cuz I like hearing what's up with you and your graphics and music.  I wouldn't care if you posted my survey answers - why not?  They weren't personal or anything."

First of all, thank you very much for the very nice comments concerninng my entries.

According to the comments that people left me the overwhelming majority thinks I should post the results to my survey. So I'm gonna do it. I hate to keep the results to myself. so I'm gonna post them in my next entry. So look for them.

Take care.

(i'll be 14 in november)

thanks for the comment! i know they're the idiots, but when almost everyone else is different than me, its hard not to feel like something wrong with me, or i should change. but i dont want to change, and probably couldnt even if i tried.

"Hey Ray - I took the survey - it was fun!  thanx for letting us know you wouldn't be writing for a few days - otherwise, we'd be worried.  HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY to you 2!"

Jan, thank you so much for taking the time to fill it out. It took me a whole afternoon to think of questons to ask. I didn't want the questions to be too personal. I wanted to have a balance. I hope more people make use of their 14 day free trial on that site.

The only reason that I won't be writing for a few days is because it's hard to think of anything to write about. Nothing ever happens in this old folks worth writing about.

Have a wonderful 4th!

Oops! Sorry... I guess I wasn't clear enough in my entry. You were talking about a relitive coming over for a unwelcomed visit. I was just suggesting that Your problem sounded like a job for Dear Abbey(someone who solves problems for a living.

And then I went on to describe a potential underhanded solution myself. That was the problem with the broken(turned off) air conditioner. I was thinking that if your home was uncomfortable, the guess would make a hasty exit. Especially if you seemed pre-occupied with getting the (make believe)problem solved.

But like I said...Dear Abbey would probably come up with something better.

and what do you mean "can go no farther"?

and i wont change. i've been into magick and all that stuff since i was two. 11 years of interest isnt going to change.

"By the way, I loved Peyton Place - I love Mia Farrow - I used to hurry home from school in order to watch that and Dark Shadows afterwards - remember that one?"

You bet I remember Dark Shadows. I used to race home from school to watch it at 3.p.m. Back then they used to have cards of various scenes from that show in with bubble gum. Like cards of baseball players - only this one was exclusively of Dark Shadows. Memories are good to have.

And I know if you won the lottery you would help send me back to Bangkok.

Take care and enjoy the 4th of July.

wicca isnt all about witches and magick(spelled like that on purpose). it is about spirituality like most other religions.

anyway, what do you mean better things to be?

Hi Jan,

you're right. At least going to Pride got me out of the old folks home and away from these old people. I guess I have to look on the bright side of things.

"I meant to ask you, aren't there any gay bars or places like that where you could go and possibly meet someone?"

i can't think of any place. i used to go to the gay bars but i never met anyone there. Anyways, I'm trying to stay away from the bars because i have a tendency of drinking too much. I used to go to a support group for other gay men who also have AIDS but that group has since been discontinued. Oh wel....

Take care.

I want to thank you so much for all thethings that you left in your comment on my diary. I was so touche to see how many comments i had today...i wish i would havechecked earlier but i was busy this weekend with my girls! So it really means a lot and i am truely greatful...one can always use more prayer and support in their corner....thank you for that! Hope to hear from you

Betz

Hi Jan,

"Hi Ray - Hey, if you like  your hair, who cares what your therapist thinks or anyone else for that matter?  If you decide it isn't for you, you can always tint it another color yourself, you know - it's easy enuf to do - I do my own hair all the time."

I do like my hair and that's all that matters. I could never do it myself, tho. I would be afraid of screwing it up. You have to be careful with dye and make sure you don't spill anything. I usually have it profesionally(sp?) done.

Maybe I'll go dark red next time.

Take care.

good luck, you should come back to San Fran and chill with me.  I found a great cigar shop. You and I can rant, relax, sit back, sip scotch, and smoke on a nice cigar while trying to figure out the world.  Thanks for your advise hun. 

matt

P.S. you'll do great. You'll end up where you're meant to be.  You just have to never give up. (Trust me that's the best and worst part)

Hi Jan,

"it's the old cycle playing out, just like you said - but your mom will be okay, don't worry - she has  you and the boys to keep her going - that pizza looked good and your doin good too, with  your T-cell count and all "

I hate the though of the old cycle playing itself out. I hate the bruising part. I'm 52 and I bruise a lot more than when I was younger. But she'll be okay. At least this time around. That pizza was good but I shouldn't have spent $25 on it. And hate the entire thing myself.

Take care.

Hi Jan,

"I am so sorry to hear about mom - don't worry, she'll be okay."

I sure hope so. I think she will this time around. Next time she might not be so lucky. But for now she'll be okay. If anything happened to her I won't be okay.

You also take care of yourself.

Thanks for your Comment on my Entry.

It makes me feel better.

Its amazing how I am going 38 in a 40 zone and every one who passes me is speeding.

I mean you have to speed up to pass someone.

I used to do that. Speed up just to get ahead.

Now I know It can cost me if I got caught.

Its not worth it to get into trouble in the passing lane.

I hope you are doing okay on the road to.

I have had enough people knocking on my window for one year.

It is better to arrive safely.

-PURESHEILD :)

Hi Jan,

"Hi Ray - Hey - Since you know so much about computers and all, I thought I would ask you, what I'm sure you'll probably think is a stupid question, but I really don't know much about computers, so I'm going to ask you anyway. Do you know if there is a way to transfer a song from Limewire to your email, so you can type a message to someone with the music playing in the background?"

First, I want to thank you for the compliments that I know so much about computers. But it's not true. I know how to make graphics. I know limited HTML stuff. And I know how to do a system restore when my computer screws up. I might know more than the average person but my knowledge is limited.

I wish I could help you but I have never heard of Limewire and I would not know how to do the task that you're trying to do. I'm sorry.

Well, take care. Maybe I'll go to limewire and look around.

  Wow! Your comments were very insightful. Thanks so much for sharing them, and your favorite passage is one I love, too. That road is narrow, and few there be that find it---that's what Jesus said, and the warning is easy to see if we just look at it.
  I am glad you stopped in my diary, and I will be following along in yours. You have a great day, and I'll be seeing you. Michael

Hi Jan,

"I discovered is this - When people used to stare at me, or I thought they were, I would feel uncomfortable and look away, but now that I am older, and I know they don't pay my rent, instead, I just stare right back at them until they are so uncomfortable and they turn away."

That's what I do. Especially to this old lady "Margaret". Long before I got blonde hair she would stare at me for whatever reason. Finally, I would stare back at her. Our eyes would lock until she finally looked away. So your idea worked. I hate living in this old folks home more and more everyday. Oh, well....

I run it.

Hi Jan,

"Once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RAY!  Hope you have a GREAT day and do something fun and exciting and forget about your "sh*tty" week."

Thanks. It's going to be a terrible birthday and to start it off I'm going to begin it with blonde hair. I'll be 52. I'm an old, old man. The ageing process really suck. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it. But at least we're going out to a nice restaurant and celebrate it. But I'll get thru it. Somehow. Well, enough of my complaining. I've got to get ready to go out and eat with my mom.

Take care.

Hi Jan,

"Okay, listen up - you have to get out of this depression thing - it has GOT to stop!"

I hope I can get out of this depression stupor that I find myelf drowninng in. I doubt I can because this depression gets worse and worse everyday. But you're right. I need to find a niche for myself. I need to be proactive. But I have no energy or motivation to do much of anything. At least I have my therapst to help me cope. I need my blood cell count to rise.

Thanks for caring.

Take care.

Hi Jan,

"Okay, okay, maybe the library was a stupid idea, but sometimes it can be nice because it is so quiet and peaceful there and you are surrounded by all these good books - it would just be a change of theme for you temporarily - besides sometimes you can meet cool new people there - how about bowling? A bowling team, maybe? I don't know - I don't do much either, but when I DO get out, and like walk the dog or something, I know I always feel better - it is hard to get motivated to do stuff, for sure, but sometimes you simply have to MAKE yourself get out of the house!!! Something exciting might happen, you never know what or when!"

The going to the library was not a stupid idea. You think along the same lines as my therapist. He wants me to go out and see a movie. You both are right. Alto going to a library and/or a movie seems a little boring. But I do need to get out of this old folks home. I need to begin to appreciate the little things in life. Going for a walk, for example. To appreciate the fresh air and sunshine.

Well, Happy Easter! I hope you had a good one.

Hi Jan,

"For sure you need to find a place to go regularly that is OUT of that place you live in - maybe the library would be a good place to start - you like to read, right?"

Yeah, the library seems a wee bit boring compared to the internet. My therapist wants me to see a movie once in awhile. I want to go to Bangkok even though that's no longer an option. Seeing a movie seems boring, too. But I see what you're saying - to do something different that gets me out of this environment. I don't know if I can, tho. I want to but I don't know if it's possible.

Actually, I read Dr. Duane Dwyer books a  long time ago. Back in the 70's which tells you how old I am.

Well, take care.

Thanks for the comments and thoughts.  Greatly appreciated.

-mib

Hi Jan,

"Kiss the kitties for me"

I will certainly kiss the kitties for you. They are the one bright spot of living in this old folks home. I would be totally miseable if I didn't have them in my lives.

"So when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade"

I have a joke. It's a private joke. When life gives me lemons I'd rather throw it at the old people who insults me. I would never do it, of course, but it's nice to have fantasies.

"SIGH!! Why do people have to be so mean and thoughtless?"

I don't know why. Maybe the elderly think because of their age they can say anything they want to regardless of other peoples feelings. You handled it well when that woman who stared at you you stared back. Not all of the old people here are inconsiderate but a few of them are and this woman was one of them.

But today I feel better.

Take care.

Hi Jan,

Thanks for the information and for the links. I will check out the sites. Also, that thing you ordered. Let me know how it works on that person. I'm kind of nervous about trying something on my own. But I will go those sites that you recommended and get some more information on it. Thanks again.

Take care.

Who died ?

Please update the comment you left me.

-PURESHEILD

Hi Jan.

"old folks can be nosey because they don't have a life of their own anymore. SIGH!"

Yeah, that's the truth. Most of these old people here hi-light of the day is waiting for the mail to arrive. They don't have anything else to do besides making me feel like an outcast. I would move out but I have nowhere else to go. I've never lived alone. Sad but true. So I'm stuck here trying to make the best of it. Sugh....

Thank You J.

I do not think anything is wrong with me when I type.

Who knows what People go thru in life.

Saftey is very important to me.

So yes it is best to be annonamious.

Everyone has a little bit crazieness in them.

You do not know what other People are thinking.

-PURESHEILD

[PURESHEILD]

Did you hear the buzz on MDD? Autmn012 has her diary deleted! BY MDD!! Sign hcutting's petition. Thank you for your time to help out Autmn.

                           - girlpowermusic3698

I spoke to her about it and she said that she likes cooking dinner for her friends, she also said that although she likes me, and she thinks that we do have a strong connection, she was never interested in a relationship with me and she knows that I feel the same way about her, so that's how it is.

Good luck with the new job. 

Hi Jan,

"Hi Ray - I've said this before and I'll say it again - your entries are COOL! "

Well, you can say it as often as you want because I love hearing it.

And that paragraph that you cut and paste for me - very insightful. In fact, I'll read it again and see if I'm inspired to do a graphic by something in it.

Have a great weekend wherever you are.

Take care.

Very profound, I heard a song called " Beating heart" by Leslie Phillips which had the line" my fear is to leave here never having really arrived" and I realize that through death or the rapture our time on this planet could end and have we really lived? I just turned 40 and I think about my life and how I have influenced the lives of others both for good or for ill. Your poem really sums it up.

Count Angus

Somethings can't be explained.

God built us to rule over the land.

We know only so much as he wants us to know.

We can think only within our Ego perception.

Perception only goes so far.

Wise, You Look like you know alot already.

Yes bad things happen, We know it happens but we can't stop it.

The only one you can protect is yourself.

-PURESHEILD- Knowledge is Power!

I don't think your fallopian tubes comment was a nice one. You can attack me, but don't wish sickness for others.

I love your comment. Thanks for the "good writer" part. I think I would be really good if I stopped and edited a bit, but I like to post exactly what I write, with no flourishments or rewritings.

I know, the end is near...not really. There will only be a downfall of me when I wanted. To be honest, I unlocked the secret of dealing with women, and as long as there are women with dreams I will be have food on my sexual table. Because I feed on dreams, I reinvent myself at every date, and experience makes me better each time. I am not full of myself. I am simply stating a fact.

If you ever see me you would not believe a simple guy like me can pull so much. But then again that is part of the charm. Women don't trust men who are too handsome.

What you will see is women realizing I am sh*t. But new women will come. Same game, different players.

Love,

Mark.